If you’re familiar with the queer community or have spent time around lesbians, you’ve probably heard the joke: “What do lesbians bring to their second date? A U-Haul.” This quip gained popularity thanks to gay comedian Lea DeLaria during her appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show in the early 1990s. According to sex and relationship therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, this joke was a pivotal moment for visibility but also influenced broader perceptions of lesbian relationships. What began as a playful stereotype about lesbians moving quickly in relationships became something more widely repeated, sometimes without the original playful intent.
The humor in the joke is undeniable, and for many, it resonates with some truth. For instance, I quickly left clothes at my girlfriend’s place and used the “L” word weeks into our relationship-something I never did in previous relationships with men. Lesbian couples, like other queer relationships, are often seen as moving quickly, including moving in together.
Kristin Kazyaka, Assistant Clinical Director at IntraSpectrum LGBTQ+ Counseling, observes that first dates between lesbian couples can last hours or even days. These dates often skip small talk, diving into deeper discussions, which can create a sense of familiarity and closeness. This makes traditional relationship timelines-like defining a relationship or moving in together-feel irrelevant.
This isn’t necessarily negative. It’s important to ignore societal “shoulds” in relationships and focus on what works for you and your partner, says Wright. Most couples, regardless of sexual identity, are doing just that.
Stereotypes aside, relationships are uniquely situational. Lynda Spann, PhD, LMFT, founder of the Lesbian Couples Institute, notes that only 26 percent of cis lesbian and gay women felt they moved in together too quickly, according to an eharmony and GLAAD report. A 2018 Stanford University study showed that after accounting for age, there were no significant differences in cohabitation rates among couple types. Factors like life situation and age-not gender or sexual identity-affect cohabitation rates.
The dating pool for queer individuals is smaller than that for straight people. Gallup reports nearly eight percent of the US population identifies as queer, with rural areas showing only three to five percent. This limited pool can prompt quicker relationship progressions. Spann explains that a sense of scarcity can encourage queer couples to commit more quickly.
Dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge have limited options for women seeking women or gender nonconforming individuals. A 2022 research review highlighted that queer users often encountered screens saying “there’s no one new around you” after a few swipes. Queer women of color seldom saw others like them, reflecting offline realities.
Wright emphasizes the scarcity in finding compatible partners. When many factors align, the urge to secure the relationship is understandable.
Representation in media also impacts relationship dynamics. Historically, queer representation in media was scarce, mirroring real-life challenges. Even as representation improves, lesbian characters often face negative storylines, like Villanelle in Killing Eve. Past portrayals of queer relationships, like Bette and Tina from The L Word, often showed unstable dynamics.
Wright stresses the importance of seeing healthy queer relationships modeled in media. Women, regardless of relationship type, tend to do more emotional work, according to a 2016 study. This emotional labor can lead to faster progression in same-sex female relationships.
The history of lesbian relationships isn’t solely romantic. In the mid-1900s, moving in together was often a decision based on safety and practicality. During the 1950s, being gay was dangerous, and many couples chose cohabitation to spend time together undetected, as platonic roommates.
Today, while queer people are more accepted, rights can still vary by location. Spann notes that stereotypes of fast-moving lesbian relationships don’t mean they’re unhealthy. Kazyaka agrees, highlighting that modern lesbian couples often defy these stereotypes.
If you’re considering a new relationship milestone, congratulations! While experts advise against ignoring red flags, they also encourage embracing happiness in your decisions. There isn’t a set timeline for a healthy relationship-it’s about what feels right for you. If moving in together sounds perfect for your second date, enjoy the moment, and remember the packing tape.