Do you have a friend who always seems to be hopping from one relationship to another? It might feel like there’s barely been any time between their last breakup and their new relationship. Chances are, that fresh relationship isn’t as new as it seems. It probably started while the previous one was still ongoing. This behavior is known as “monkey-barring” or “monkey-branching.”
Understanding Monkey-Barring
Sabrina Bendory, a relationship expert at Dating.com, describes monkey-barring as the inability to fully let go of one relationship before moving on to the next. Imagine swinging on monkey bars-holding onto the current partner with one hand while reaching out for the next with the other.
Although the term “monkey-barring” has been around for at least a decade, it’s recently gained traction online. This toxic dating behavior involves maintaining a current relationship while actively seeking and forming a new connection, intending to replace the current partner.
Why People Engage in Monkey-Barring
According to relationship coach Amie Leadingham, monkey-barring often stems from a fear of being alone. Some people struggle with codependency, using new relationships as emotional crutches instead of handling the discomfort of solitude. They seek external validation, relying on others’ attention for a sense of worth.
Avoidance and communication issues can also play a role. Those who fear difficult conversations might see monkey-barring as an easier escape than an honest breakup.
The Impact of Societal Pressure
Though there’s no justification for monkey-barring, it’s important to recognize the societal pressure to avoid being single, which can contribute to this behavior. Many feel the need to be in a relationship due to external expectations.
The Consequences of Monkey-Barring
Leadingham explains that monkey-barring is inherently deceitful. The current partner is misled about the state of the relationship, investing emotionally in something already over. Meanwhile, the new partner is unknowingly part of a deceptive scheme, believing they’re building something genuine.
Monkey-barring affects everyone involved. The current partner deserves honesty, and the new partner deserves the truth about the relationship status. The person monkey-barring also misses the chance to end things with integrity.
Steps to Break the Habit
If you recognize monkey-barring tendencies in yourself, awareness is the first step toward change. Leadingham suggests getting honest about the root causes, whether it’s fear of being alone, codependency, or communication challenges.
Learning to be comfortable being single is crucial. Bendory emphasizes the importance of developing self-worth that isn’t reliant on romantic validation. This might involve working with a professional to address insecurities and establish healthier relationship patterns.
Committing to Change
To break the cycle, commit to being genuinely single. Avoid talking to multiple people or keeping options open. Practice ending relationships directly and honestly, rather than fading away while exploring new options.
Building genuine self-worth is essential. Understanding and confronting fears around relationships can break the pattern, allowing for authentic connections based on truth rather than fear.