My partner of over a decade, who boasts a substantial 8″ member, generally prefers being a top or versatile, whereas I am quite versatile myself. He’s often expressed an interest in bottoming, yet we’ve never quite made it happen.
I’ve introduced him to my preparation routine, shared toys, and pre-preparation devices, and have even tried rimming and fingering. I’ve offered poppers, among other things, to help ease him into it, but there seems to be an underlying fear that we can’t seem to overcome. Despite this, it’s clear he enjoys being dominated, and his desire seems genuine.
I’m not packing a monster, but with a thick 6.5″, I’m still a substantial size. I’ve even suggested he try being with someone smaller first (we’re open), with the hope that a satisfying experience might encourage him to try with me. I would stop pushing given his hesitance, but he continues to express interest, and I truly want him to experience the joy of an anal orgasm. It’s part of our rights as a couple! Does anyone have tips on helping him loosen up after 10 years? There seems to be a barrier I just can’t cross.
Understanding His True Desires
Firstly, It’s important to verify that bottoming is something he truly wants. It might be that he’s expressing this interest because he knows how much I want to top, hoping to convince himself in the process. Next time he brings it up, have a candid conversation. Gently say, “You’ve mentioned wanting to bottom for a while but seem unsure. I want to confirm if this is something you truly desire, or if you’re saying it just for me. I don’t want you to feel obligated to bottom just to make me happy.”
If he really does want to try, ask him what his biggest fears are about it. It’s likely related to one or more of these: pain, fear of a mess, or apprehension about intimacy. Bottoming can be intense, especially early on, and the emotional connection it can create might be overwhelming.
Some stereotypes also suggest bottoming is more “feminine” or “emasculating,” which isn’t true. Having encountered many masculine power bottoms, I can assure you there’s nothing effeminate about them. Yet, some may still fear losing their sense of masculinity.
Overcoming Concerns
There are solutions for these concerns! Alongside offering support, provide practical advice. You’ve already shared progress with toys and initiated with rimming and fingering, but consider taking it further.
I highly recommend gifting him “Butt Seriously: The Definitive Guide to Anal Health, Pleasure, and Everything in Between” by Dr. Evan Goldstein. This comprehensive guide covers everything about anal health, pleasure, and sex.
Here’s a snippet from my blurb for Dr. Goldstein’s book: “While many online articles provide basic tips like breathing, using lube, and going slowly, this book answers all the questions you might have about preparation, dilation, aftercare, and more. It’s the most thorough manual on anal sex, written in a sex-positive, shame-free tone.”
Reading this book can empower him with knowledge about bottoming, but for addressing intimacy fears, that’s where your support is crucial.
Creating a Safe Space
You must create a safe environment for him to be vulnerable. Reassure him with words like, “I love you so much. We can start slowly with plenty of lube, and I’ll warm you up with my fingers. If you want to stop, I’ll hold you. I’m here for you and won’t see you differently if you bottom. It won’t change our relationship. I’m just excited to explore this with you.”
Feel free to tailor this script, but ensure he knows you have his back(side).
Hopefully, with newfound knowledge and feeling supported, he’ll be ready to explore bottoming. If not, kindly ask him to stop bringing it up, as it can be confusing. You might say, “It doesn’t seem like you’re ready to try bottoming, which is fine. But if that’s the case, I’d prefer we stop discussing it. If you ever decide to try, we can talk about it again, but for now, let’s drop it.”